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Question from the reader:
My boyfriend and I both live at home (or at least, I have three roommates so it feels like I’m living at home) and are finding it hard to have a place to have sex. Is it disrespectful to have sex at his parents’ house while they’re sleeping, outside, upstairs, etc.?
Dope name. It sounds delicious. I used to like my name before the less famous Gigi (Gigi Hadid, obviously) ruined it.
Let’s talk about sex at your boyfriend’s house because that is fun AF. We’ve all been there. This applies to so many people, whether it’s a regular thing or you’re just visiting BAE’s family for the weekend. We all need to get our jollies off and no amount of parental interference is going to stop us, ya know?
OK, so to answer your first question: Is it disrespectful to have sex when his parents are home?
The easy answer is yes. If you asked his parents, Hi Mrs. and Mr. Whatever-his-last-name-is, is it cool if I pork your son while you’re watering the garden?, my guess is that they would say no. They might also call you a harlot and forbid you from ever coming back to their home.
This description of eventsmight be overlydramatic, but I bet they really would not love the idea of you boinking their kid above their heads while they do chores around the house.
But are you going to have sex at home while they’re home? That is a totally different question. Of-f*cking-course you are.
So instead of pretending like you aren’t going to blow your BF at his parent’s abode, let’s instead discuss what you actually want to know: how to be goddamn sneaky about it, you little minx.
There are a few things to remember and check off your list before embarking on Operation Bone Zone. I have made a trusty and useful acronym for you. (Unfortunately, it doesn’t spell anything and isn’t pronounceable, but I made it with love.)
O.E.L.E.Q: Outside, Excuse, Lock, Easy, Quiet.
Follow this process so you can actually get away with f*cking at the ‘rentswithout getting in trouble.
Do not stray from this checklist or you’ll wind up with his mother bringing up your loud moaning over tonight’s meatloaf.NIGHTMARE FUEL. OK, let’s get into it.
O: Outside, as in his parents’ location
Before you guys decide to have sex, you need to assess the situation. WHERE are his parents? If they are outside, sleeping or upstairs (since your boyfriend’s room is on the first floor), you’re probably OK.
If they’re watching “Jeopardy” on the couch next to his bedroom, maybe don’t get naked right now. You want to make sure they’re as distracted as possible.
A great time to get down is while they’re sleeping at night and least likely tocome knocking, but if it’s during the day, make sure they’re at least DOING something like gardening, cooking or playing a board game.
You need to come up with a believable excuse as to why you and BAE need to be left alone in his room other than “I need my lady hole stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey.” I’ve tried that one and parents don’t appreciate it, trust me.
Go for excuses that are tried and true. This is not a time to be creative and tell his dad you bought your boo a 500-piece puzzle and you need total concentration to complete it in his room with the door locked.
No, stick with something normal. Tell Mom and Dad you’re exhausted and you’re going to take a nap, or you’re “going to watch a movie. This way, they know not to come bother you, but are also not super-suspicious.
L: Lock the f*cking door.
OMG. Only f*ck in rooms that have LOCKS on the doors. If your boyfriend’s room doesn’t have a lock, you can ONLY have sex when his parents are sleeping.
I’m serious. Don’t f*ck in his room if his mother is just out at the grocery store. You do not want to be pulling out the pork sausage when mom comes home more quickly than expected with ACTUAL pork sausages. Jesus Christ on a cross.
E: Easy positions.
Since you’re having sneaky sex, now is not the time to be a porn star. Today is not the day to whip out your dildo and try some new sh*t.
I’m sorry that you both live with a lot of people around, but you need to save that sh*t for a vacation or when your roommates are not home. Send a group text or something.
If you’re at his parent’s house, keep it simple. Stick with regular missionary, spooning and cowgirl. Do not get fancy or someone is going to A) hear you or B) find a sex toy his or her eyes should never have seen.
BE F*CKING QUIET. I don’t care how good it feels, put a goddamn T-shirt over your face when you come. Do not moan like Jenna Jameson in a RedTube short.
DISPLAY SOME SELF CONTROL.Only amateurs moan their faces off during sneaky sex. The only thing as bad as his mother walking in during the act is forcing her to listento you having an orgasm while she’s folding laundry.
I hope this helps, truly. Go forth, you naughty goddess. May many (quiet) orgasms await you.
Yours in lust,
XOXO Auntie Gigi
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